KENNEDY’S BARBER CLUB PRESENTS “WEIRD BEARDS”

Or: Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should

At Kennedy’s All-American Barber Club®, we are quite proud to offer our signature straight-razor shave to all our members. Our pleased patrons frequently inform our barbers that the extraordinary experience makes them feel like a million dollars. Which, fortunately, is a great deal less than we charge. Of course, if we did charge that amount, we would only have to close the deal on one shave per month. Hmmm.

In any event, while shaving is a vital part of our business plan, we must insist that we have absolutely nothing against facial hair. Beards and moustaches might threaten some barber shop businesses – not us. We’re proud to service whatever you might wish to grow on your face. That would be your right as an American – as it is to show up at town hall meetings with an air horn wearing a Viking helmet.

But, as we all know, rights can be abused. The man who pilots his Pontiac on a sidewalk abuses his right to drive. The gent who uses the mailbox across the street for target practice abuses his right to bear arms.

And the fellow who actually ventures out into everyday society with this circulating around the lower third of his face….?

A man and his centerpiece.

…well, we hate to advocate forced shaving, being fans of civil liberties and all, but, at some point, a barber has to intervene. Seriously, this is a person who clearly spends far too much time training his whiskers to perform unnatural acts.

Yes, beard abuse is on the rise, and to date, the struggle to contain it receives absolutely no government funding. Are we overreacting? You be the judge and review Exhibit B….

Half-beard: half-wit?

Now, we suppose this semi-shaggy individual has an advantage at bars – by showing only his left profile, he can attract women who are into mountain men. By showing only his right profile, he can attract Noel Gallagher groupies. And head-on, he can attract those who are into multiple personalities.

The only chin with its own ninja weapon.

Then we have the World’s Most Dangerous Facial Hair (patent pending) above. Rumor has it this distinguished gentleman is on his fourth wife – the first three met violent deaths when he attempted to kiss them.

But all is not dark in the beard world. There is one bright Hollywood star that has brought in some welcome daylight…

The perfect beard for the perfect lunatic.

Yes, Zach However-You-Spell-His-Last-Name, star of this past summer’s blockbuster hit, “The Hangover.” He brought forth the most laughs in a film filled with fun. And frankly, we give a lot of credit to the beard. Go ahead – imagine him without it. Still funny? We don’t think so. That chin fur was an essential element (along with Ed Helm’s glasses – but that’s for another article…).

But Zach WhoseeWhatsis is the exception. Weird beards are generally only funny when spotted in a recorded image. But when you encounter one of them in real life, it just makes you just want to buy the wacky whisker proprietor a Kennedy’s All-American Barber Club® membership and send them on their way. And frankly, that’s just what you should do.

As a matter of fact, you should buy everyone you know a membership to Kennedy’s All-American Barber Club®. After all, it is where you’re guaranteed “The Best Haircut and Straight-Razor Shave You’ve Ever Had, or it’s Free™!” Find out more about the Gentlemen’s Membership Club for Unlimited Haircuts and Unlimited Shaves at our website at http://www.kennedysbarberclub.com.

Oh, and in the interest of completeness, Zach’s last name is Galifianikis – spelled G-A-L-I-F-I-A-N-A-K-I-S. We looked it up – because we care.

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